1992年那次的產後憂鬱症，為了語言溝通問題，我回臺灣預計找精神科醫師治療。大哥瞭解我在美國的婚姻生活狀況後，偕同媽媽帶我參加天母長老教會的禱告會。 In 1992, I had postpartum blues. In order to solve my communication problems, I decided to go back to Taiwan for psychiatric consultation and therapy. After my older brother realized my marital situation in the States, he accompanied my mother to bring me to the prayer meeting in Tian-Mu Presbyterian church.

那天晚上，牧師、師母和許多弟兄姐妹特別為我按手禱告。我感覺到有許多的手按在我的頭上、肩膀和背上，如同眾多的使者將我的靈提昇到上帝的寶座前；我更感到自己是如此的虧欠與不配，不由自主地仆倒跪下，痛哭流涕、認罪悔改。  That night, the pastor, his wife, and many brothers and sisters laid their hands on me to pray. I felt many hands over my head, shoulders and back, like multitude of angels lifting my spirit up to the throne of grace. I felt so unworthy. All of a sudden, I knelt down to the Lord, broke up in tears , crying in repentance and confessing my sins.

那時，我憶起美國生活期間，當婚姻中不和諧的壓力臨到時，我容許關心我們的弟兄介入我們的婚姻，目的是為了「懲治」配偶。 At that time, I recalled my life in the States, when pressures and frictions happened in my marriage, I would allow some brothers that care for our marriage to intervene, as a way to punish my spouse.

我在婚姻中的自傲與不聖潔，如同一層厚重的幔子，嚴重地隔絕了通往喜樂的路。在配偶與「安全毯」(security blanket)之間，我試圖運用自己的聰明和力量，來整修婚姻中的衝突與矛盾，其結果是帶來更多的痛苦與傷害。 The pride and impurity I had in marriage were like a layer of thick veil, preventing me to experience the joy I desired to have. In between my husband and a security blanket, I attempted to muster up my own wits and might to repair the conflicts and damages in our relationship, resulting in greater pain and harm.  

我們在彼此的猜疑與不信任之中，築起了層層的「危」牆；從此，婚姻成為我們每天都要面對的一種生活壓力。當時年輕氣盛的我們，誰也不服誰。在相持不下之際，我發出一張「是你先負我」的王牌，讓「不按牌理出牌」的報復快感，成為減輕婚姻壓力的行動。 In the miry pond of distrust and suspicion, dangerous walls were erected; as a result, marriage becomes the stress we have to face daily. Our youthful and prideful egos forbade us to be the first to yield. Whenever we were in a deadlock, I would issue the trump card You wronged me first, so that the temporal gratification my tricky schemes of retaliation brought me would alleviate the stress I endured.

婚姻是最大的壓力源 Marriage could be the greatest source of stresses

有人曾試著透過數字分析，顯示婚姻是生活事件中最大的壓力源。倘若以壓力數值最大為100，最小為0加以區分，令人壓得喘不過氣來的十大生活事件中，排行前三名都與婚姻有關，分別是配偶死亡100，離婚73和分居65。 Some people did statistics on the sources of stresses. They found that marriage actually ranked the highest as the source of stress. If the level of stress could be gauged from 100 to 0, 100 being the greatest level of stress, then the first three highest ranking sources of stresses all have to do with marriage. They are : death of a spouse 100, divorce 73, and separation 65.

我分析自己的婚姻壓力，有離婚念頭是在婚後第三年，當時第一個孩子兩歲時；原因是「丈夫晚歸，交待不清楚，與異性有關」。面對婚姻壓力、矛盾、挫折和衝突，我心理本能地退化至青春期的叛逆，那時期的我，動不動就對爸爸丟下碗筷、甩門、不理人，個性叛逆不羈。記得媽媽常說我是「野馬」，在家中待不住。 When I evaluate my own marital stress, the thought of having a divorce emerged in my third year of marriage, when our first child turned two. The reason was that my husband returned home at night late, and did not explain to me clearly why, maybe it has something to do with people of the opposite sex. In dealing with the pressures, conflicts, dilemmas and frustrations of marriage, my intuitive response was to back-track to my adolescent rebellious stage of life. In those days, I would easily threw my chopsticks away, slam the door, or wore a long face to my dad to show my wayward temperament. Mom would label me as a wild horse since I would always be restless at home, seeking peace from elsewhere.

而這份承傳父親血統的個性，在尚未信主之前，我可以理直氣壯地說「有其父必有其女也」，還大言不慚地稱「都是基因惹的禍」！ This impulsive character is inherited from my father. Before I met the Lord, I would unashamedly attribute it to my genes, saying: Like father, like daughter!  It's all the genes fault!

那時，教會中有位「熱心」的姐妹見我長得漂亮，卻不如她的「屬靈」，說我是因為環境太順利，才會不夠愛主；於是要特別為我禱告，求主讓我遇到一些挫折和困難。 At that time, there was a sister who was fervent for the Lord. She saw me as prettier but not spiritual as her. So she told me that it is all because that I never experienced much hardship in life, therefore, I did not love the Lord enough. She therefore offered to pray for me, that the Lord would allow me to come across some frustrations and difficulties.

對於這樣的謬論與自以為是，我嗤之以鼻；然而，被激怒後的我，心中懷怨，決定拿她以為「很屬靈的」丈夫「開刀」，讓她看看上帝到底是教訓她還是教訓我。 This kind of absurd observation incensed me. I held a grudge against her and decided to attack her saintly husband. Let's see if the Lord is going to chastise her or me!

投靠倚賴主 Taking refuge in the Lord

「投靠耶和華，強似倚賴王子。」(詩118:9)這句話常在心中響起；可是，婚姻衝突與矛盾所帶來的壓力，早把我淹沒窒息；我根本不懂得如何投靠倚賴這位生命的主。在尋求主與倚賴人兩者之間往返尋愛的人，是世上最矛盾的人。It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. (Psalm 118:9) This verse would often ring in my heart. But the conflict and friction caused by marriage have already suffocated me.  I had absolutely no idea how to take refuge in the Lord of life. You know that the most torturous person on earth is the one who would resort to both the Lord and human rescues. And I was that double-minded one.

我讓自己的靈命光景落在饑餓乾渴的窮困之境；而我卻深切明白「人饑餓非因無餅，乾渴非因無水，乃因不聽耶和華的話。」(摩8:11)許多時候，我以遷怒兒子、怪罪丈夫等解壓行動，來宣洩我在婚姻生活中的心理壓力，把丈夫擺在「寧可住在房頂的角上，不在寬闊的房屋，與爭吵的婦人同住。」(箴21:9)的處境中。 I allowed my own spiritual condition to be in a famine and in an utterly destitute plight. But deep down, I knew full well that the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will send a famine through the land not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord. (Amos 8:11) Many a time I would transfer my anger to my son and blame my husband for situations to alleviate the psychological pressure in my marriage, tormenting my husband like the contentious woman in Proverbs 21:9. It is better to live in a corner of a roof, than in a house shared with a contentious woman.

「大雨之日連連滴漏，和爭吵的婦人一樣。」(箴27:15)我看自己生氣發飆時的樣子，活像是從小把我帶大、三天兩頭背我上舞蹈社習舞的奶奶。小時候，常聽見奶奶生氣時咒罵爺爺，而爺爺總是獨自喝著悶酒，任其情緒發洩；有時，我會為爺爺偷偷流淚。  A constant dripping on a day of steady rain, and a contentious woman are alike. (Proverbs 27:15). When I reflected on how I looked in my fury, I remembered my grandma who took care of me since I had memory. She used to carry me in her back and brought me to dance lessons. Did she not scold grandpa like that for little trifles? No wonder grandpa would resort to liquor to vent his frustrations. Did I not used to secretly weep for grandpa?

長大後，令人不解的事，莫過於罵人架式是無需經過學習或演練；脾氣一來，自動上場「罵人」。吵吵鬧鬧中，我期待丈夫在一夜之間變成我所想要的樣子，而我自己卻落入軟弱與不斷傷害婚姻的行為模式中。Now what I could not figure out was after I grew up to be an adult, it was so effortless for me to be an expert scolder. Whenever I was in the mood of scolding, I can turn on the switch so naturally.  In the years of contention, I unknowingly expected my husband to be transformed overnight to who I was dreaming for, but allowed myself to dwell in the slough of depression and the pattern of never-ending fight and harm.

那時，柔和謙卑的主卻時常微聲提醒我：「我不喜悅馬的力大，不喜愛人的腿快。」(詩147:10)  In those days, the Lord often reminded me in His gentle and humble still small voice:  I do not delight in the strength of the horse; I do not take pleasure in the legs of a man. (Psalm 147:10)

拆毀與建造 Demolition and Rebuild

當婚姻成為壓力之際，何處尋得出路？ When marriage became so stressful, where could you find a way out?

猶記得我們在婚姻壓力與離婚危機後數個月，主興起一個孤單的環境，讓我們北遷至沒有任何華人為鄰的賓州小鎮。  I remember a few months after the peak of our marital stress and crisis of possible divorce, the Lord moved us north to a little town in Pennsylvania, a lonely place where we could find absolutely no Chinese in our neighborhood.

來美畢業後的第一份教書工作，由於請求學校協助辦理移民申請，因此薪津微薄。窮留學生的第一份工作收入，在付房屋租金、車子貸款和生活費用之後，所剩無幾，跟本沒有任何多餘的錢來買書，或找婚姻輔導專家加以診斷治療。This was the first teaching job we got after we immigrated to the States. Due to the need to get permanent resident status through the assistance from the college, we settled with a very skimpy salary.  With this first job, after paying the monthly housing rental, car loan and basic commodities, we had hardly any savings left, not to mention the luxury to buy books or to consult a marriage counselor.

表面上，我倆處於除主以外無處「訴」苦(我常哼著「當告訴耶穌」)，並且只能「相依為命」的環境中；事實上，主早已在不遠處為我們預備了「使者書房」。Outwardly, we are stuck with each other, and there was no one else but the Lord to resort to for our troubles. (Which made me hum the melody Tell it to Jesus   to myself); but in reality. The Lord had prepared for us Ambassadors for Christ Bookstore.

「拆毀有時，建造有時。」(傳3:3)世鐸每週一天載著我和孩子前往基督使者協會(Ambassadors for Christ)與總幹事周大衛牧師同工，把會計電腦化建立起來。There is a time to tear down and a time to build up. (Ecclesiastes 3:3) Every Monday, Shih-Tou would bring our son and me to the Ambassadors for Christ to assist Rev. David Chow in establishing the computer system for their finance department.

同行的我，如獲至寶地成為「婚姻叢書」中的書蟲；主使用許許多多基督徒的婚姻著作，在我思想中開始做拆毀與建造的工作。These trips made me feel like a bookworm hitting the jackpot in their bookstore. With a wealth of books on Christian marriage, the Lord started the tearing down and building up in my thought life.

揀選與拯救 Sanctification and Redemption

「當將你的事交託耶和華，並倚靠祂，祂就必成全。」(詩37:5在)婚姻壓力低谷中，這句話成為我靈命之動力；我相信，我只須要做到「交託」與「倚靠」，信實的主必為我成全祂在我生命和婚姻中美好崇高的計劃。Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this. (Psalm 37:5). In my pit of marital stress, this promise became my spiritual lifeline. I believe that as long as I trust and commit to the Lord, He is faithful and will fulfill His wonderful master plan in my life and my marriage.

就在女兒出生前一個月，有次一邊開車一邊問自己：「我期望自己成為女兒心目中怎樣的一位母親呢？」About one month before our daughter was born, one day I was asking myself while driving: What kind of mother do I want to be in the eyes of my children?

那天，「雖然神有靈的餘力能造多人，他不是單造一人嗎？為何只造一人呢？乃是他願人得虔誠的後裔。所以當謹守你們的心，誰也不可以詭詐待幼年所娶的妻。」(瑪2:15)這句經文一直在我心中迴蕩；我在流淚中向主懇切祈禱，我要終止一切傷害婚姻的行為：「主啊！我願意你成為我婚姻的主；求你賜福我的家庭，以及我們的孩子。」主愛永不止息！因祂愛我，在創世之前就揀選了我，因此定意要拯救我，並且拯救到底。That day, the verse Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. (Malachi 2:15) lingered in my mind. In tears I pleaded to the Lord to help me stop all my behavior that have done harm to our marriage: Dear Lord, I am willing to have you as the Lord of our marriage. I seek your blessings on our family and our children. The LORDS love never fails. For it is out of His love, that He has chosen me before the foundation of the world. And since it is His will to save me, He will save me to the end.

靈命成長歷程，宛如剝洋蔥；每剝一層，必帶來許多憂傷痛悔的眼淚。My spiritual growth was like peeling onions. Every layer shed brings more repentant tears and change of heart.

生產過後，育兒的辛勞、睡眠的改變和賀爾蒙失調等種種壓力襲擊下，產後憂鬱症比前次更加嚴重地發作，丈夫的照顧與呵護，減輕了我心理的壓力與不安。After my baby was born, I was under attack due to the stresses of child-rearing, sleep deprivation and hormonal imbalance. This time the postpartum blue was were than before. My husband did his best in caring and protecting me, lifting me up from the pit of emotional stress and anxieties.

軟弱無助中的我，開始懂得欣賞丈夫的優點，也發自心底感激他對妻子、兒女無私的奉獻。  In my physical weakness and helplessness, I began to appreciate my husband's many strengths.  From the bottom of my heart, I sensed my gratitude toward his selfless and sacrificial love to me and our children.

如今，人們時常望見我倆禱告時兩雙手彼此緊握，散步時並肩牽手；然而，彼此緊握的雙手並非告訴世人，我們的愛情有多偉大，反倒是提醒我們，現今我倆還彼此相愛、相互扶持，都是出於上帝的憐憫與恩慈。  Today, people see us pray together with our hands held tightly, and when we walk together, we always hold our hands. However, the tightly held hands are not to tell others how great our love is toward each other, but rather, they remind us that it is all by GOD's mercy and grace that we are still in love with each other and support each other.

「我們愛，因為  神先愛我們。」(約壹4:19)這句經文，今日仍是我們婚姻壓力臨到時，觸動我倆靈命向上結果的主要動力。 We love because he first loved us. (I John 4:19). This verse has become the propelling force for us to grow up in the Lord and bear fruit when we face marital stresses today.