|
愛網達人 |
|
我自母腹懷中產出，我與母親臍帶依舊相連之時，接生的醫師將滿身包裹在血衣裏、纖弱細嫩的我，輕置於母親豐腰柔腹的肌膚上。
喔！那是
─ 江林月嬌 ─摘自《母親，人生戲曲的第一要角》 |
|
婚姻，不是「找」一位合適的人，而是「作」一位合適的人。
─ 江林月嬌 ─
摘自《愛是一生的抉擇》 |
|
|
蟬兒…看見生命的主造作那循環不已的日頭時，喉頭自然詠嘆出清脆歡愉的歌聲，唱出一首首令世人永遠無法忘懷的頌讚禮歌。
─ 江林月嬌 ─
摘自《禮讚之生命─17年蟬》 |
|
|
若問我的自信心從何培養？我想，就在我幼年無憂無慮的歲月裡，來自您摯愛的雙眼與熱情的掌聲。
─ 江林月嬌 ─
摘自《親愛的爸爸，我感謝您》 |
|
愛，是用兩個人的生命，去完成相同的諾言。
─ 江林月嬌 ─
摘自《愛是一生的抉擇》 |
|
|
|
剛出爐文章 |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
為衝突減壓
江林月嬌 |
|
Conflict Resolutions
author:
Julia Chiang |
|
誠如路西安諾
( Luciano
De Crescenzo ) 的名言：「我們都是單翼的天使；唯有彼此擁抱，才能展翅飛翔。」 |
|
As Luciano De
Crescenzo’s famed axiom says: |
|
We are each of us
angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing
one another. |
|
|
夫妻相處的親密關係有如口與舌接觸的頻繁與密切。
The intimate relationship between husband and wife resembles the constant
contact between the mouth and the lip. It is frequent and inter-dependent.
吵架的藝術 The
Art of Argument
|
唐崇榮博士對夫妻吵架下如此的定義：「大吵是災禍、小吵是幸福、不吵是神話。」 Reverend
Stephen Tong defines the altercations between husband and wife as: “Big
altercation is disastrous, small altercation is normal, no altercation
is a mythology.”
既然小吵難免，在情緒激動前運用理性給彼此定個吵架規則。撕破臉時，不要把對方撕得太難看，因為另一半醜自己也漂亮不起來。
Since small altercation is unavoidable, rules should be laid down before
agitated conflicts worsen and revealed the ugliest side of our spouse at
the expense of our own.
同時，在得知「怒氣傷肝」後，吵架規則更成了一劑身心保健的良方。 If
we also keep in mind that uncontrolled anger would hurt our livers, then
setting up rules for altercations is actually protective to our health. |
 |
在衝突發生前，良人與佳偶對「吵架藝術」應有的基本信念：
Some basic understandings couples need to have about “the
art of altercation” before conflicts arise:
|
|
先說「抱歉，我…」、「對不起，我…」的人是成熟人格的真實表現。
The one who says “ I
am sorry, I ….” and “I apologize, I….” first is the one who has mature
personality.
音量大小與理正理虧毫不相干。
The volume of our
voice has no bearing on the justification of our reasoning.
婚姻衝突中根本沒有所謂的贏家與輸家。
In marital conflict, there is no such a thing as a winner and a loser.
|
冷戰與熱戰具有同等的殺傷力。
Cold war and
heated fight have the same lethal, damaging power.
「得理又饒人」的仁慈行徑，將誘發另一半的感激賀爾蒙大量分泌。
The understanding and
forgiving attitude would induce the excretion of our partner’s endorphin as a
result of his/her gratitude.
 |
正本清源
Getting
to the Root of the Issue
怒氣與憤怒的原因大致有下列幾種來源：
Anger
and irritation can be aroused by several causes:
1. 挫折感：作牛作馬、殷勤工作後的成果，無人注意、沒人感激。
Sense of
frustration: When one’s hard-work is being neglected or not being
acknowledged, it is easy to feel down.
全權包攬的超人心態，把自己放在容易「崩潰又懊惱」(burn
out)的處境中。
A Superman, Mr. Do-it-All mentality tends to cause one to fall into a
Slough of Burnout, feeling deflated at times. |
|
2. 沮喪感：自己跟自己生氣。因為自訂的目標太高，再努力也只能作到半調子。
Feeling of
depression: This is when one is upset at himself. Due to an
unrealistically high goal one sets for himself, he feels self-defeated.
No matter how hard he tries, he can only reach a much lower level than
he wishes to achieve.
3. 競爭慾：比上不足，比下有餘。比來比去，人比人氣死人。
求勝心切，帶著憤怒敵意的心到處浮動。「快、快、快」症候群患者：開車闖黃燈、電梯按紐續按十次以上者…。
A competitive spirit:
The individual always wants to compare himself with his peers. But when
he compares with ones superior than him, he feels defeated, and when he
compares with someone inferior to him, he does not feel fulfilled. No
matter what, he cannot win. This desire to beat others makes him feel
agitated and hostile.
4. 生理期：睡眠不足、沒有耐性；饑腸轆轆、煩躁不安；荷爾蒙改變、焦慮緊張…。
Physiological symptoms: sleep deprived, impatient, feeling starved,
irritable, fluctuation of hormonal levels, feeling anxious and nervous. |
 |
|
 |
5. 工作狂
(workaholic)：不工作時也想到工作。是與「工作」締結盟約的狂戀者。
Workaholic: This
individual is addicted to work. He is restless when he is not working.
工作定義：為升遷、多賺錢、取悅人。
The word
“work”
could be whatever would help his promotion, or having more power by
gleaning more riches, and being popular.
工作狂很少在家，在家時也極少參與家務事。
These workaholics are seldom home. They are
seldom involved in doing chores when they are at home. |
生氣的選擇 The Choices of Outlet for Anger
|
|
憤怒式的生氣：大吼大叫、口不擇言、咬牙切齒、指桑罵槐。 Blow up Mode:
Shout and holler, bullet-spitting, unselective in words, teeth gritting,
insinuating other’s faults.
肢體式的生氣：搥椅拍桌、摔碗丟盤、耳光巴掌、拳打腳踢。
Physical
Mode: slapping the table, throwing dishes, slapping face, kicking and
fist-fighting.
溝通式的生氣：細火慢墩、溫火燻烤、夫妻兵兵式的雙向溝通。 Communicative
Mode: Slowly mulling over and seeking to bring up the issue. Like playing
Ping-Pong, the individual is attempting to get the communication ball
bouncing back and forth with one’s spouse.
|
消耗式的生氣：〈體力消耗〉游泳、跑步、打拳擊…消耗體力活動；
Consuming Mode: Physical consumption type: The angry party
seeks to use physical outlet to get rid of the anger through swimming, jogging,
boxing…
〈錢財消耗〉上街如無頭蒼蠅似地搶購一些不需用的物品，易成癮，漸趨陷於「購物狂」
(shoperholic)。 Monetary
consumtion type: Some people might get a shopping spree like a headless fly. Sometimes it can become a full-bloomed addiction called “shoperholic”.
消氣散
Panacea
to Diffuse Anger
|
肝火茂盛的人察覺自己怒火中燒、怒不可抑時，天氣晴朗時可外出整理庭院、跑步運動、打打網球…；雨天雪天則吸塵拖地、處理檔案櫃、整理相片錄影帶、有氧運動、健美體操…藉以轉移忿怒的情境。
If
you discover the fire of anger rising up from inside, becoming a bit
uncontrollable, try to get to the yard for some gardening work, or go
jogging, playing tennis if the weather is nice outdoor. In rainy or
snowy days, take out the vacuum or mop to clean the house, or reorganize
your files, photos, videotapes, or do some aerobic exercises.
先行消耗體中燃放的體力，讓暴氣至少減去七成。有時帶著半虛脫的體力來面對衝突，可避免誤將配偶視為出氣筒。
Try
to reduce the explosive energy in you so that at least 70% of the anger
is toned down. Sometimes you can avoid venting the uncontrolled anger
on your spouse when your physical energy is half-drained. |
 |
 |
瞭解並承認自己可能有暴戾衝動、人身攻擊、理智失喪的可能，暫離衝突現場有時是避免後悔不及的必要行動。
Understand and
acknowledge your tendency of volatile anger, physical attack, or losing
mental control can help you to plan to leave the scene of conflict before it
starts.
與易怒易躁的配偶生活在同一個屋簷下，激動對方的言語如同帶鉤的毒箭；觸按對方的心理按紐有如火上添油。
Living
under the same roof with an irritable spouse should caution one to avoid
using provocative languages. Pushing emotional buttons would only add
fuels to the fire.
|
生氣規則
Rules for Altercations
口語雙戒：絕不說：「你總是…」（You
always…） Taboos: Never
say: “ You always….”
絕不說：「你從來沒有…」（You never…）
Never say: “You never…”
 |
不做「陳年往事耽溺者」：雖然筆者同意，夫妻爭執會有「新愁舊恨湧心頭」的情境發生，但緊抓著對方陳年往事中的小辮子，只會令配偶怒髮衝冠、音量暴漲；或是無言以對、怒目切齒。
Do not beat the
dead horse and rehash the old grudges. Even though sometimes conflicts could
bring back the memories of old grudges, holding on the former offenses of our
spouse would only result in raised hair, loud volume, gritting teeth or angry
look.
避開點燃戰火的導火線：控訴。說話重點放在自我情境、思想與感受的陳述，讓配偶從事件表層向裡透視你的感情與思維。
Avoid to step on the landmine that would restart a fight—accusation. Try to
focus on the description of your own inner situations, thoughts or feelings.
Allow your spouse to penetrate into your emotion and mind through your sharing.
|
喘一口氣，深呼吸，讓對方有發言的機會。謹記：疲勞轟炸的衝突，駭人又累己。
Take a deep breath and give the other person a chance to
talk. Remember: relentless ballistic missile in words would only scare the
other person and exhaust yourselves.
|
最後，在「家，是說愛不是論理的地方」之理念下，奉送看官們「衝突寶鑑一點通」中的珍藏秘方：吵架前，夫妻二人先行各自螁下衣裝，赤身露體、坦誠相對。
Finally,
“Home, is not a battlefield for reason but a place for love” should be the
magic key to diffuse all conflicts. Before you get into fight, both sides
should first take off your arms, and bare yourself of your true heart. Allow
your genuine self be seen.
當我體驗到最後一點根本是天方夜譚，多年來自己都無法做到時，我才深深地體驗到人誤用自由意志、以自我為中心地生活著，拉長隔斷了彼此的距離。遮掩過失、隱藏過錯成為自我保護的天生本領。從此，揭開了人類歷史中「男人與女人戰爭」之序幕：彼此怪責、推卸責任、夫妻二人難以坦承相向、同心同行。恨，成為本能，愛，需要學習。
For many years, I struggled to get
my magic trick to do its work for me without success, and gradually I realized
it was because I misused my self-will and led a very self-centered life for many
years. This actually only served to push my husband away from me. Hiding my own
sins and folly is my natural tendency. I was very good at using this tactic to
protect myself. But since the beginning of mankind, this is the culprit for the
wars between men and women. Finger-pointing at others and shunning
responsibilities would not help couples to be truthful to each other. In this
situation, we are all reduced to hatred. It takes a lot of learning to love so
that we can walk with oneness of heart for the whole life.
|
|
單翼的天使
Angel with One Wing
透過與自己最親密的伴侶，在衝突中瞭解到自己的短處與缺點，對人格的成長有正面積極的助益。
Understand one’s own shortcomings and flaws through the conflict with
one’s most intimate life partner can contribute positively to the development of
one’s characters.
因愛丈夫的緣故，讚賞他、肯定他身為頭家身份的領導地位；為討妻子的歡心，接納她、滿足她個人對愛的語言〈請參考：The
5 Love Languages解說〉之需求。
Because of your love for your husband, praise him and affirm
his leadership position in your home as the head of the household. For the sake
of your wife’s happiness, embrace her and fulfill her with her type of love
language. (Please refer to the book “The Five Love Languages” for the
explanation.)
與人世間最親密的枕邊人摩擦時，承襲「床頭吵，床尾合」的千古迷思，得饒人處且饒人，何嘗不是使自己的人際關係更趨和諧的成長途徑。
When we have frictions with our most intimate bedmate, it
only helps us to realize the value of this age-old saying “Argue on one end of
the bed, but agree on the other end of bed.” If at all possible, seek to forgive
as we are forgiven. This could be a path of growth for our own interpersonal
relationship.
婚姻生活將兩個來自不同成長環境、不同思考方式、不同個性氣質的男女圈在一起，生命從此顯得多彩多姿、充滿創意，享有在地如在天的天仙美境。誠如路西安諾
( Luciano De Crescenzo )
的名言：「我們都是單翼的天使；唯有彼此擁抱，才能展翅飛翔。」
Marriage merges two people who are
from totally different backgrounds ,diverse thinking styles, opposite characters
and temperaments. Life becomes more colorful and creative. Home can be heaven on
earth, when harmony is there. Like what Luciano de Crescenzo said: ”
We are each
of us angels with only one wing, and we can only fly by embracing one another.”
(刊登於《導向》
Steering
第204期 2002年8月
陳吳郁娜
譯
translated by:
Violet Chen)
相關網站：
愛網講座──愛網主日學鶼鰈情深
經文分享：
「說話浮躁的，如刀刺人；智慧人的舌頭，卻為醫人的良藥。」(箴12:18)
Reckless words pierce
like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. (Proverbs 12:18)
「…你們各人要快快的聽，慢慢的說，慢慢的動怒。因為人的怒氣，並不成就
神的義。」(雅1:19
~ 20) Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to
become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God
desires. (James 1:19-20)
友情連結：
JigLove集愛情思
冠誾的部落格
門諾會劉春峰傳道的Blog
Anita - Yahoo!奇摩部落格
|
