我的成長歲月，要從婚後兩個月飛到美國談起。 My spiritual growth traces back to our arrival in America two months after our wedding.

1982年8月，隨從丈夫世鐸來美進入研究所秋季班。當時的我是位無所適事的新娘子、伴讀生、異鄉人。世鐸身為研究所全時間留學生，家人的期望、課業的壓力、愛爾蘭教授難聽難懂的腔調…哪兒有興緻和新婚妻子談情說愛、甜言蜜語。 In August 1982, I accompanied my husband Shih-Tou to the States for graduate study that fall semester. At that time I had no idea what my own calling was. I was a new bride, a companion for a student, and a sojourner in a foreign land. But Shih-Tou was a full time graduate student, carrying the expectations of our families, the load of school work, and the pressure of figuring out his Irish professor's unintelligible accent all on his shoulders. Where would he find room to enjoy his new bride, savor the romantic moments and feed his honey with sweet words?

從小在家中倍受寵愛的嬌嬌女，當時年少不經事的我，不僅不懂得分擔體恤夫婿的壓力和辛勞，還有事沒事無理取鬧，說穿了還不是想引起丈夫的注意。 Growing up as a treasured and spoiled girl in my family, I was not very understanding of the stress and difficulty my groom was enduring. Actually, out of my desire to get my husbands attention, I would even start a fight out of nothing.

《箴言書》和成長 The Book of Proverbs and My Growing Up

只是，負面的互動往往不會有好下場的。我時常把世鐸吵煩了，他只得獨自一人躲到學校圖書館唸書去也：留下我自己一個人在家中閉門思過。  Unfortunately, those negative communications did not have good outcome. Sometimes Shih-Tou would be fed up with me and he would retreat to the school library. I would then be left all by myself as a shut-in to think through my blunders.

那時，每當我情緒低落時，才會想起母親從台灣千里迢迢帶給我，遺留在台灣教會送的結婚禮物──《聖經》。記得第一句幫助我在婚姻生活中成長的經文是：「寧可住在房頂的角上，不在寬闊的房屋，與爭吵的婦人同住。」(箴21:9)所羅門王著作的《箴言書》中，出現這類的句子竟然多達四次：  It was during those moments of emotional lows, that I would dig out the wedding gift my mother brought me all the way from Taiwan, which I left behind---the Bible. I still remember the first sentence that helped me grow in my married life: Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9). And in the Proverbs written by King Solomon, warnings like this appeared four times.

「寧可住在曠野，不與爭吵使氣的婦人同住。」(箴21:19) Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife. (Proverbs 21:19).

「寧可住在房頂的角上，不在寬闊的房屋與爭吵的婦人同住。」(箴25:24) Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 25:24)

「大雨之日連連滴漏，和爭吵的婦人一樣。」(箴27:15) A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day. (Proverbs 27:15)

《聖經》的話語雖然不好看也不中聽，但多少達到心理暗示效果。尤其是我那自幼學來的吵架招式，在圍城戰火中都如同點燃的火箭，管它三七二十一，全一股腦兒直向不善於熱戰的丈夫身上瞄準發射。 The words in the Bible are not easy to swallow nor are they pleasant to hear, but somehow, psychologically, became my weapons in communications. Well-taught in the tactics of bickering as a child, I targeted all the inflamed arrows at my unprepared husband.

平常我按著日期研讀《箴言書》，有一天恰巧是情人節，我讀到的第一句話是「智慧婦人，建立家室；愚妄婦人，親手拆毀。」(箴14:1)彷彿當頭棒喝，上帝用祂自己的話，收斂了我多年來自以為是、潑蠻刁鑽的個性；雖然偶爾還會露出賴皮胡鬧的馬腳來，但這一句每個月都會讀到一次的經文，還挺管用的哩！  Now, I had a habit of reading Proverbs according to the calendar. It happened that the first sentence I came across on Valentine's Day was The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down. (Proverbs 14:1) Like a lightning hitting me on my head, the Lord used His own Word to take care of my life-long arrogant and manipulative nature. Even though I would sometimes try to get off the hook and insist on my innocence until my old nature betrayed me, this once a month confrontation is still pretty powerful to me.

鏡映與理想化 Mirroring and Idealizing

從產後憂鬱症，到為母則強的歷練，身為妻子母親無論是愛心、耐性、體力、智慧都倍受考驗。我開始對心理學產生強烈的喜好和盎然的求知慾；近年，特別獨鍾於「聖經心理學」、「同儕輔導」和「危機與協談」。 From the stage of postpartum blue to the toughen up character of super mom, I was tested in love, patience, my stamina, and wisdom as a wife and mother. I started developing strong interest in psychology out of my own hunger to grow. In the last few years, I especially have enjoyed Biblical Psychology Peer Counseling and Crisis Counseling.

渴慕更多明白有關孩童心理發展之際，我接觸到美國芝加哥大學自體心理學創建人科霍﹝H. Kohut, 1913~1981AD﹞所提出的理論，就是一個人在幼年成長環境裡，透過「鏡映」和「理想化」的發展，在恰好的挫折與滿足情境裡，生命逐漸成長、邁向成熟。 My desire to understand the Psychology of Child Development had led me to the theories propounded by Dr. H. Kohut (1913-1981 AD) who is the founder of the Psychology of Self at the University of Chicago. The theory asserts that an individual's environment in childhood, through the development of Mirroring and Idealizing, would develop and mature to become one's personality through a well-balanced frustration and fulfillment.

我學習到2至4歲之間是幼兒人格發展的第一個契機，稱之為「鏡映」（Mirroring）；此時最需要的是母親的鏡映接納，以堅固其自我的發展。  I discovered that the first break-through for a child's personality occur between age two to four. This is called Mirroring.  The most important need at this stage is the mother's acceptance as a mirror to the child. This acceptance would strengthen the development of the child's self-image.

人格發展的第二個契機則發生在4至6歲之間，稱之為「理想化」（Idealizing）；孩童藉著與人親近，發展出安全、穩定、舒適等基本需求；又將撫育自己的父母親理想化，並且期望藉著與理想化對象生命相互連結，在融合過程中來發展自我。  The second break-through occurs at the ages of four to six. This is called Idealizing. Through contacts and interactions with people, a child would develop a sense of security, stability, comfort which are basic to its existence. It would idealize its parents, and desire to unite with them resulting in self-development.

此外，「觸摸」與「擁抱」是生命成長過程與家人關係互動上非常重要的成長激素。我的擁抱座右銘是：每天三個擁抱得以生存，五個維護關係，八個或更多可促進生命成長。 Other factors that are essential to the stimulation of growth hormones are physical touch and hugs within family members. My own mottoes are: Three hugs a day for survival, five hugs a day for maintaining relationships, eight or more hugs a day for stimulating growth.

「房屋因智慧建造，又因聰明立穩。」(箴24:3) 透過這些心理學理論，我獲得寶貴的育兒知識，同時也重新調整自己與配偶和親朋好友間美好的人際互動，並且學會掌握住每一個自我成長的機會。  By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established. (Proverbs 24:3) Through these psychological theories, I gleaned some valuable knowledge for child-rearing, and learned to adjust my self so that I could have a better inter-personal communication with my spouse , relatives and friends, maximizing the opportunities in my personal development.

智慧成長 Growing in Wisdom

有「知識的產婆」譽稱的希臘哲人蘇格拉底（Socrates）曾說：「教師像產婆，幫助學生自己生出智慧來。」對我而言，聖靈保惠師是我的恩師，幫助我在生命成長中行走在智慧的光照中。  The Greek philosopher Socrates who was dubbed a midwife of knowledge once said: Teachers are like midwives, they help students to deliver wisdom by themselves. As to me, I consider the Holy Spirit as my teacher, helping me to walk in the light of wisdom in my life-long journey of growth.

信主後我一直喜愛當一位「沒有負擔的基督徒」；我覺得自己比「作禮拜的基督徒」更好些，因為我參加詩班、也主持各種迎新活動和節慶晚會，偶爾也會很屬靈的當起音樂佈道主持人。但是，我自己的內心卻遠遠抗拒著「負擔」兩個字。 Since I became a Christian, I had been enjoying the role of a Christian without burdens; I feel that I am much better than those church-going Christians because I was in the choir, and would organize all kinds of special events like welcome parties, or other festivals. Sometimes, I was even the emcee of an evangelistic music outreach. But, deep down in me, I resisted the phrases burden. 

記得有一年，參加美東南夏令營晚間聚會結束默禱時，我聽見麥克風傳出：「對大會有負擔的弟兄姐妹請留步…」當時，我的心偷偷想著：「希望我這一輩子沒有任何負擔…」更何況，我是個女孩子，「負擔」這種和扁擔、重擔、壓力…有關的字眼和事物，沒有理由臨到我的身上。 I remember one year at the conclusion of an East Coast Summer camp, I heard the microphone blasting :If any one has a burden for this camp.  My immediate reaction was: I hope I would not have this burden in my whole life See, I am a girl. But burden means load, heavy and stressful.  All these things should have nothing to do with me.

接下來一兩年的日子裡，我鐵石般堅硬冰冷的心被《雅歌書》中那句重覆了三次的「情話」給熔解了：「耶路撒冷的眾女子阿，我指著羚羊或田野的母鹿，囑咐你們，不要驚動，不要叫醒我所親愛的，等他自己情願﹝不要叫醒云云或作不要激動愛情等它自發﹞。」(歌2:7；3:5；8:4)  In the next year or two, my hardened stone hard was melted by the thrice-repeated love talk in the Song of Songs: Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires. (Song of Songs 2:7; 3:5; 8:4)

聖靈教師在1987年那一年，給了我一個終身難忘的異夢，在自身感到罪孽深重、萬劫不復的夢境裡，「他帶我入筵宴所，以愛為旗在我以上。」(歌2:4)  In 1987, the Holy Spirit taught me through an unforgettable dream. In this dream, I realized my deep guilt and the irretrievable past, but He has taken me to the banquet hall, and his banner over me is love. (Song of Songs 2:4)

那時，我的心被罪惡壓傷、心靈傷痛。夢中「他的左手在我頭下，他的右手將我抱住。」(歌2:4)我享受著天父上帝、愛我的主耶穌基督赦罪的平安與同在的喜樂。  My heart was crushed with the load of sin. I felt an inexpressible pain. In the dream, His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me. (Song of Songs 2:6). I was immersed in the love of our Heavenly Father, the joy and peace of forgiveness in Christ overwhelmed me.

那時起，我常常對主說：「主啊！我願意。」我願意一生一世跟隨主、服事主；求主帶領我生命中的每一個腳步，我歡喜快樂迎接主的安排和引導。  Since then, I would often pray to the Lord: Dear Lord, I am willing. I am willing to follow you all the days of my life, to serve you. Please lead me every step of my life, I welcome your leading and guidance with great joy.

二十三年來，伴隨著我在異鄉中成長的另一句話是「我兒，要將你的心歸我；你的眼目，也要喜悅我的道路。」(箴23:26)這句慈父恩言，時常縈繞我心。十多年來，我學習用嶄新的視野來看待周遭的人事物，我的生命少了抱怨埋怨，多了喜樂平安。  In the last twenty three years, another promise that had accompanied my pilgrimage was: My son, give me your heart and let your eyes keep to my ways.(Proverbs 23:26) This kind beckoning from my Heavenly Father surrounds my heart often. These years, I learned to adopt a new outlook toward the people and things around me, lessening the complaints but increasing the joy and peace I experience.

性格成長 Character Development